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whole lotta sunday night nothing :)

There is something to be said for making a list to help you get organized, but today my lists acquired a list of their own.  Time to tear them all up and start fresh or use the not at all.  They become a way to procrastinate if used with out some kind of discipline.  I made them to help not to confuse or conflict me.

  My new life, my new life this blog is a motivator to keep on a path however curvy to the new life.  New is often scary.  New is often hard.  However when everything you’ve ever done has been hard and hasn’t really ever worked how you planned it , a new life looks pretty darned good. So we will continue on to the new world full of new problems and try again to make something really good and satisfying grow from all the change.  ” i hate choice, and changes even more..so get confused” me circa 1995.  Still holds true.  Still never stops me from trying to change and grow and become more if not necessarily all that different.

  I am at the middle of my life, statistics say  so.  I am fairly healthy.  So i will assume that it is true.  So it is up to me to keep my boat afloat, even if i keep losing the oars. I can not give up now, there is no going back at this point. Everything i have already done lies in ashes at my feet. I don’t really feel a loss of that. I miss my friends from “work” a couple anyway, but not the job, or having to face doing it for at least fifteen more years for a retirement that would still have me working. So not much of a loss.
I have nothing to do but keep putting one foot in front of the other. What is more frightening? Living a life that really wasnt the one intended for you, or striking out because the universe backed you into a corner and the only thing you could do was go a different direction? I really for years thought living the lie that barely provided enough of anything for you was a horrible waste so when forced to redirect it kind of was a huge blessing. Not an easier way, but a way at last to feel alive again. Passion about something again. You can’t pay yourself for that but it is a huge investment in yourself.
So where do I go from here.????? I have been asking that of myself for the past four years, almost to the day. Where do i go from here to get to somewhere that I actually WANT to be. I am hoping I will at long last be able to start answering that question for myself. I will continue to share my little answers in here. Keep a record of it all as it unfolds.
This week i will work three days at my land lords to continue trying to earn enough to keep a roof over our heads. Go to Job and Family Services(again) to find out how to get more help before the utilities are shut down. I will check the mailbox daily hoping that the promised food card will arrive so we can eat. I will remember to research where the already arrived medical card is accepted, my daughters ADD medicine will be empty tomorrow. I will prepare to go to school on Tuesday(yeah me selfish me stupidly wishful me) and hope like heck my Pell grant has indeed been applied! Then I can worry about the next days problems as they come. Something good must come out of all this risk. It just has to. There is a reason for everything that goes on in this universe. I believe in that. We just don’t usually get to know it. So I wait and look around me and watch for all the signs I might be ignoring. I will keep positive that I am doing at least some of the right things to bring the future I am painting closer to me.

new life, new stresses, new messes

1st oil painting

okay so i went to school tuesday and nearly lost my mind trying to decide to stay or go. Funding the quarter was becomming a problem. I ended up not dropping all my classes(did i mention tuesday was the last day to do so before loosing ALL money already paid?)and spending hours at financial aid. It was a big deal for me. I really do not want to drop out. This is the biggest thing i have allowed for myself in a very long time. It is such a life cheat tho, to be selfish and go to school. I dont think alot of people i know understand why i am doing this now. Why not.?.?.
I have worked full time since i was 16 years old for the most part. I have taken college classes before, aquired 94 credit hours and no degree;however i have never “went to college” There is a huge difference in taking college classes and actually going to college. Both are difficult and include mountians of problems. The main difference to me is the focus. When you are trying to go to college and raise a family, and work a full time job you are peice milling your self and time out. I admire those like my sister julia who manage to be able to work like that and make the eventual summit. By that i mean she did aquire her degree. Focus divided 18 directions did not work for my life all the times i took classed before. It was great but it was always a cheat. The amount of time and energy to do one thing successfully kept making me crazy when i was trying to do 18. The skill set to stay focused and not deprive either my child or my JOB kept me from obtaining my degree.
So we fast forward into 2012, my second child has turned 11, my oldest is 24, and i find my self like many for individual reasons, UNEMPLOYED. I wont go into the labor of telling the tale of the past few months that led me here, but i am here. I am here, I am flat broke, I have a grade school aged child, and yes I am in college.
The worst part of this is that I chose NOT to drop all my classes, the deadline is past and I still dont know if my federal aid will arrive soon, if at all. The best part of this is that I am in College!
I can’t even begin to express how stressed out that makes me, I stress therefore I know I am still breathing. On the flip side of it all, after I made the decision NOT to give up the only dream I have at the moment and stick it out,(I needed 24 hours to allow that reality to settle in) I went to classes Thursday still stressed and sick to my stomach, but excited to be there.
That is a whole other file of goodies to explore. For example, I was excited to be there yet feel GUILTY for feeling excited. Yes you have it people. I feel guilty for being excited for being in college. Why? Well if you are and have been the entire support of your family for as long as I have you would not need the WHY. For those of you who need the why. Because it is selfish of me even though I am unemployed to put myself in school when the soul provider for my family is unemployed.

The best part of thursday? I was at school. I was allowed..no ENCOURAGED, to work on my clay sculpture for THREE uninterupted hours. I was allowed. I got to sculpt in clay, preparing this is neccesary because next week I will be allowed to make a plaster mold of the sculpture. Which will lead me to make my first real glass work ever. Can you believe it they are going to let me do these things? I am allowed….even better I was ENCOURAGED to dive in and have at it. Which I happily did. That is not to say that there still are not problems ahead, I am dreadfully behind in my mathmatics, and even though I am enjoying my humanities class, “the ethics of morality”, ( as if my life is not a class in that already) I have a great deal of work to do here. Do you want to hear about my painting class?
My last clas of the day is Oil Painting 101 , baasicly to learn how to mix color, apply the paint, and really learn to SEE the work you are making. To train yourself to see what is really there is going to be a big part of this class. We have been working on a black and white still life. It is not my 1st choice in subject matter, and well I am all about color usually. However being locked down with three colors is in a way freeing, it is challening but the simplicity of it was freeing. Now I have never really worked in oils so I was very excited about that, and more importantly I was allowed to PAINT!.. oh YES there is guilt in this pleasure. They allowed and encouraged to paint for three and a half hours at a go! Although I did not create what I would call a master piece of work, I had the chance to paint in a nice block of time.. I wont go into the ongoing saga of being almost fifty in a class full of eight-teen to twenty somethings at this time because of course this is all about the joy and the guilt, not the young and unpleasant! I will give them a break and not harp on them right now.

mememememeem & middle aged angst

okay so i guess its been tooo long because word press gently reminded me not to create another blog if ive abandoned one for too long. thats okay because they are in fact correct. so i need to start blogging like a fool! i wonder if i can do this long term or should just give up the ghost! nah i will continue onward as usual

  so i am freezing in here at my second story gheto digs.  It is cold in ohio tonight. i dont like the way this type looks but have discovered no place to change it.  I am onto new and depressing adventures for 2012.  I have quit my job of 17 years.  I have enrolled in COLLEGE.  yes kiddies college. not just any school either i am enrolled in a two year program of art and art management!  yikes please let this happen please let this happen.  I discovered that i have so few dreams left that this ones really tricky and important.  I will be attending a two year program at a realtivly small school. I find that kind of exciting. due to all kinds of drama in my personal life I am getting a very slow start.  I am really behind in math, kinda behind in ethics, a day behind in my studio class(glass), and completly caught up in my oil painting class.  I am not well liked by this one cute little 20 something star of the world girly in oil painting, and she remarkably let it be known.  Every one else at least minds the manners of civilized life. I dont quite understand this girl.  Some people just will never like you, that is a fact of life.  I suspect she might fear I will pull attention from  her because she is kind of a darling girl.  She neednt worry the world of this college setting is large enough to accomodate both of us. It wouldnt matter to me at all except she is rude yet will not actually address me face to face.  It is all kind of done under breath yet loud enough to be heard by all except the woman with headphones on. hummm.  You see I just try to be a friend to the world in my public life so of course it is uncomfortable to be me in this situation.  I have a tendency to want to be liked, i have a tendency to feel the need to reach out stronger if i become aware that someone is not on board with being civil.  But for the sake of it all of course and because she is not important in my life will let the snarky little comments go.  Some people will never understand who i am and dislike me because of it, others will just not even try and dislike me.  It is not the end of my life either way.. If they only knew how many more important things there are perhaps they would just live and let live.

 I am a dinosaur  for the most part any way.  I am floundering to get footing under me in all areas. as a mother, as a daughter, as a student…if i can get past next week and manage to still be there i will feel as if i have climbed the first foot hill to a huge mountian range.  Just on the other side of these mountians is my new and improved life.  I hope…we’ll see..time will tell . ah come on it’ll be fun to watch the falls and fumbles..just wait and see.

mememememeem & middle aged angst

okay so i guess its been tooo long because word press gently reminded me not to create another blog if ive abandoned one for too long. thats okay because they are in fact correct. so i need to start blogging like a fool! i wonder if i can do this long term or should just give up the ghost! nah i will continue onward as usual

  so i am freezing in here at my second story gheto digs.  It is cold in ohio tonight. i dont like the way this type looks but have discovered no place to change it.  I am onto new and depressing adventures for 2012.  I have quit my job of 17 years.  I have enrolled in COLLEGE.  yes kiddies college. not just any school either i am enrolled in a two year program of art and art management!  yikes please let this happen please let this happen.  I discovered that i have so few dreams left that this ones really tricky and important.  i will be attending a two year program at a realtivly small school. I find that kind of exciting. due to all kinds of drama in my personal life i am getting a very slow start.  i am really behind in math, kinda behind in ethics, a day behind in my studio class(glass), and completly caught up in my oil painting class.  I am not well liked by this one cute little 20 something star of the world girly in oil painting, and she remarkably let it be known.  Every one else at least minds the manners of civilized life. I dont quite understand this girl.  Some people just will never like you, that is a fact of life.  I suspect she might fear i will pull attention from  her because sh is kind of a darling girl.  She neednt worry the world of this college setting is large enough to accomodate both of us. it uldnt matter to me at all except she is rude yet will not actually address me face t face.  It is all kind of done under breath yet loud enough to be heard by all except the woman with headphones on. hummm.  You see i just try to be a friend to the world in my public life so of course it is uncomfortable to be me in this situation.  I have a tendency to want to be liked, i have a tendency to feel the need to reach out stronger if i become aware that someone is not on board with being civil.  But for the sake of it all of course and because she is not important in my life will let the snarky little comments go.  Some people will never understand who i am and dislike me because of it, others will just not even try and dislike me.  It is not the end of my life either way.. If they only knew how many more important things there are perhaps they would just live and let live.

 I am a dinosaur  for the most part any way.  I am floundering to get footing under me in all areas. as a mother, as a daughter, as a student…if i can get past next week and manage to still be there i will feel as if i have climbed the first foot hill to a huge mountian range.  Just on the other side of these mountians is my new and improved life.  I hope…we’ll see..time will tell . ah come on it’ll be fun to watch the falls and fumbles..just wait and see.

a whol e bowl of nADA

JUST A WORD TO ANYONE OUT THERE, i have no internet where i live so… i am alive and trying o find my way back in here

“Free Me” art mailing aka expeiment in sociology

So a coule weeks ago I came up with the brilliant idea to offer up to my twitter friends a art giveaway. It was really an idea for me to have a studio clearout and a brain clear out, in an effort to kick my creative spirit in the butt. Th premis was that i wanted to give away 8 to 47 pieces of my OLD ART to make way for new art. I am so easily influenced by what i have already done that it really sometimes stiffles me. i got 9 good addresses to work with, 7 in the U.S. and two in Europe. It was very scary and also a very exciting idea. I have often randomly given art away over the years, it is rarely regretted. I endend up spending days going thru older sketches and inks and drawings and paintings. They could only be on paper though because shipping anything else is too much for my budget. In the process of sorting though i was moved to paint. I am broke so it had to be on pages from a cheap water color tablet with acrylics. I ended up painting about 12 new small paper paintings. Not earth shaking valuables but not awful either. I paint so fast often that it is a tornado experience. In the past on canvas when it begins like this I will then “see” things hidden in the fast paint, unplanned figures and faces that i will spend alot of time filling, in bringing them into the focus, detailing ect.. all of these new paintings have some of that going on although i did not spend days bringing them forward. Eventually I got to the point of mailing out the nine sacred packets to the nine twitter friends. These are all people I enjoy talking to, or watching what they have to say. however it was the perfect situaton for me because the are not near by. not in my real life at all. The mailing done i was suddenly unsure. I couldnt take any of it back. i couldnt stop it. The small quick works of my feeblest attempts at art had been gifted to perfect strangers. I am not ALLWAYS impulsive, I gave alot of thought to what was being sent to whom and based my decisions on how well i knew them on twitter and their projected personality there. It might have been an impulsive idea though, well ok it was impulsive but I had very loving intention for the basis of the idea. I want nothing in return for the meager art. I got what I was seeking out of the challenge, I painted freely, mindlessly, joyously. I got a small bandaid and a scab for some of the tears in my life heart. And a couple of other things that the experiment didn’t factor in.
The world of twitter is amazing a generous in spirit for the most part. I can not express enough how warm the reciepients have made me feel about sending the art out. A few even mentioned that they had framed and hung the art in their office or living space. What a huge compliment to me and what I do as an artist. Espcecially since these paintings were quickly done and not intended to be held as valuable. I am stunned by that act. I have no idea at this time in my life what direction I am headed,I spend a great deal of time trying to figure out where my personal focus should be. Some days I hate my art so much that I want to never paint again but of course that is just crazy. I really have no choice I will always do art no matter how ugly it makes me feel sometimes, it is a huge part of who I have always been, or will be. I just have to decide if i can make it a bigger focus in my life that will lead me into the future that i want for myself. Time has all the answers and I waste too much of it thinking and not doing. I only get a small amout of “me ” time now as it is being the chief,cook and bottlewasher of my little family. Oh what a life it is.

JULY 23 2009 i am my art,i think…………………..

So my little life is full of ups and downs, just like everyine else. There are bills to pay and things you dont want to clean but it’s a life. Recently i decided to do something to try to jump start my art/painting. I have been passionate about my art for a long time…or so i thought. The past several years have been difficult on me emotionally to say the least and I have had to do way too much soul searching and evaluation of self. I am in a dull stagnant place for so many reasons. To many for me to feel up to the task of mentioning all of them right now. I am in a complete stall spiritually to some degree, i am in a stall about me and my life. i am not passionate about much these days except for whinning about how awful I feel about me and alot of junk cluttering up me, my house, my kids and my whole identity. Very soon, on August 13th I will turn 47 years old. perspective is everything, it is not a MILESTONE birthday. But at 47 if i strip away alot of junk what really is there left that represents me or the life i am trying to continue create (and recreate) for myself and those around me that I love.????? I am not thrilled with the life reflection i see. So I need to be honest with myself to move back into the future ahead and not be stuck right here there are many things to consider. I never had any delusions that i was ever going to be a world famous or money making talent. I do have some talent to be proud of because for the most part (95%) I am a self taught artist. I am the biggest work in progress that I will ever paint. I might not be world class or world respected aka bankable, but I always had passion and enthusiam for what I was doing. i used to try to work at some art at least 4-6 hours a night. I have soooo lost the drive and passion to accomplish that. It was never a chore. I miss that loss of time magical feeling. i miss being inspired by ME, I miss looking at a painting a day or two after completion and saying aloud to my self,”oh my gosh, did I actually do that? I dont believe it wow!”
So to honor the loss and reclaim some direction I have decided to give away 8-47 pieces of my work on paper. i am not a total free spirit because I will not give any of my canvas paintings away, i will turn them so they are not influencing and “looking at me”, but on the off chance one of my kids needs to have a life retrospective of my work someday, any that never sell(none have to date) I will be holding onto. I have given a great deal of my work away happily over the past 40 years. There is hardly ever regret, and It is scary fun to know that strangers somewhere lost on this big blue marble, and family and friends have a piece of my heart in their posession. I need to do this for me as much as for any other reason. I need to feel good about this work in stead of critical or wishful or haunted or oh so influenced to repeat the same kind of work right now because of a stall in my life. I am only doing the mailing thru my twitter world though. I am not even including any one i know in my ordinary world. my sister photographed the majority of my work in novenber of 2008 so there is a disc record of it. When she did so It make me feel contempt and loathing for my work. Made me see it as a waste of money and a feeble unskilled attempt at a fatasy ideal. It made me feel diss=satisfied with who i was as an artist. We are our own worst critics and to be honest I was “not right in the head” most of november, All of december, and well you see the theme, if not go read all my posts tagged “the book of wanting” I have got to throw the self loathing out and replace it with how good it really is to be able to say “I am an artist, I am a painter.” even if i am only talking to myself!

today 7/22/09

today i had to call off work because of moms heath, and my adult sons stupidity. Wow. How not to dwell on the anger and make this day work for me is going to be a challenge. I hope something good happens as soon as possible! Please universe help me out. i am asking as nice as I know how.

the book of wanting part 9 july20th 2009

james

Actual date 21st September, 2008
I ran into Clair today. After nine months or so. I wish I knew her better, she is so interesting. She is from England. I was glad to find out her health is on the mend. She had threen sugeries in all to straighten her stomach out. She is up to 109 pounds so it seems to be working. Her husband is in Iraq so hopefully at christmad when he comes home they will begin their life. One together with out fear and pain. They got married June 5th. She told me while she was in hospital he would hold her all day long. Then at night he would go home and hold Clairs daughter Brittiany. Over and over and over again. Right about the same time as James died.

Dear Sir,
I am writing to inform you that flights of fancy are harder to ground than a real issue. There is a ease of restraint because ther is no real action or activity going on out side the movies in our own heads. So we see them as harmless little breaks from our own real lives. Everyone will dydream from time to time. The places that I can go to in my head are far more interesting than the places I actually am.
I know though if i am imagining about you, that I am really imagining about someone who is not you. A person who really does not exist. Still I can not stop myself from imagining about you. It is a catch 22 or something else.
So i imagine. I imagine you of course out of my league for so many reasons. Number one being the fact that my poverty will prevent me from ever being in the same state or country as you. Which leads to number two being the fact that you are more worldly than i will ever be allowed to be. Which leads me to number three which is in a crowd of people I would either blend in like wallpaper or act inappropriately junir. The last out of fear of not being noticed at all. Not to mention that my appearance on it’s own is very average middleclassamerican :average. Not one feature cries out with beauty in my face. My style is non exhistant and would probably seem somewhat shabby. Even in the “little black dress” that even we who do not walk among gods, know enough to own, it would not be a spectacular sight.
When I am imagining anything really fun i usually don’t see myself at all. I see it ad if I am looking out on something from my own eyes. That is kind of funny when you picture it. But easy because in day to day interactions you don’t “see” yourself at all.
Then items from number four to a million are the endless ones like I’m not intelligent enough in a variety of area. I am not glam, not classy, not tall, not thin,not,notnot….It always comes down to self doubt and self belief. The belief that I am not good enough.
This book has really become all about that. Oh well such is the life of a restless dreamer. Trapped in a life of your own making. It’s a nice little life but you find yourself wishing it were a bit more…. more something. When does contentment end and complacency begin? That is a too well blended color. I think life is a struggle. A life of struggle when your soul is starved for some deeper richness more is a sadder lot to live indeed. We all do it on a lot of secret levels i bet. Therefore i bet a lot of people never realize what that constant longing inside them is. i call it a restless spirit, starving soul, the soft spoken dream catcher with in me. Never really silent though. Not when i sleep, or work, or parent, or bath, or any time I can think of. Some days it’s a whisper and alot of times it’s a never ending scream. Good thing i am alone in being able to feel it because it would probably disrupt everyone i am in contact with. I’ve spent a good number of years trying my best to ignore it. Squash it down deeper inside. Now I find it has bounced back higher, stronger, and particulary louder than before. I find I am sighing alot more for no particular reason. At least not to any one who can hear me. Any one who isn’t me.
Journals are really journeys of self absorbtion aren’t they. WE all can wallow in SELF. Secretly here in a blank book. There were a couple of weird events today but no random acts of kindness. A couple of near misses though because I tried. Some people don’t like random acts of kindness, makes it harder to give them out.