There is something to be said for making a list to help you get organized, but today my lists acquired a list of their own. Time to tear them all up and start fresh or use the not at all. They become a way to procrastinate if used with out some kind of discipline. I made them to help not to confuse or conflict me.
My new life, my new life this blog is a motivator to keep on a path however curvy to the new life. New is often scary. New is often hard. However when everything you’ve ever done has been hard and hasn’t really ever worked how you planned it , a new life looks pretty darned good. So we will continue on to the new world full of new problems and try again to make something really good and satisfying grow from all the change. ” i hate choice, and changes even more..so get confused” me circa 1995. Still holds true. Still never stops me from trying to change and grow and become more if not necessarily all that different.
I am at the middle of my life, statistics say so. I am fairly healthy. So i will assume that it is true. So it is up to me to keep my boat afloat, even if i keep losing the oars. I can not give up now, there is no going back at this point. Everything i have already done lies in ashes at my feet. I don’t really feel a loss of that. I miss my friends from “work” a couple anyway, but not the job, or having to face doing it for at least fifteen more years for a retirement that would still have me working. So not much of a loss.
I have nothing to do but keep putting one foot in front of the other. What is more frightening? Living a life that really wasnt the one intended for you, or striking out because the universe backed you into a corner and the only thing you could do was go a different direction? I really for years thought living the lie that barely provided enough of anything for you was a horrible waste so when forced to redirect it kind of was a huge blessing. Not an easier way, but a way at last to feel alive again. Passion about something again. You can’t pay yourself for that but it is a huge investment in yourself.
So where do I go from here.????? I have been asking that of myself for the past four years, almost to the day. Where do i go from here to get to somewhere that I actually WANT to be. I am hoping I will at long last be able to start answering that question for myself. I will continue to share my little answers in here. Keep a record of it all as it unfolds.
This week i will work three days at my land lords to continue trying to earn enough to keep a roof over our heads. Go to Job and Family Services(again) to find out how to get more help before the utilities are shut down. I will check the mailbox daily hoping that the promised food card will arrive so we can eat. I will remember to research where the already arrived medical card is accepted, my daughters ADD medicine will be empty tomorrow. I will prepare to go to school on Tuesday(yeah me selfish me stupidly wishful me) and hope like heck my Pell grant has indeed been applied! Then I can worry about the next days problems as they come. Something good must come out of all this risk. It just has to. There is a reason for everything that goes on in this universe. I believe in that. We just don’t usually get to know it. So I wait and look around me and watch for all the signs I might be ignoring. I will keep positive that I am doing at least some of the right things to bring the future I am painting closer to me.
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Tags: crazythoughts, get inspired about you, messy life, new and improved
January 23, 2012 at 7:42 |
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February 14, 2012 at 7:42 |
I know it doesn’t seem like life is taking you anywhere right now, and around every corner is a dead end but the difference in the person you were in September and the person that you are today is huge. You may not see it but I do. You have had the courage and strength to keep on this path amidst the guilt and rude commentary from others that you really only wanted support from. The excitement that you have found in the classes reflects in your voice and attitude when you talk. If nothing else be proud of the things that you accomplish every week for yourself. The things that make you smile if only for a minute will be what carries you through the day. I know you can do it because I believe in you, you just have to keep believing in yourself.